I fell for it. I said “children need to know how to use technology” I repeated “it’s how they communicate these days” I just didn’t think about it. I was wrong and now I (we) are stuck in a dilemma. We’re right in the middle of an experiment on our children.
The real problem in our house is now trying to get out of the experiment and it’s really hard. Hard in two specific ways:
The Problems
Firstly, our own self-discipline. I love technology. I have worked in tech for 25 years now, I stare at a screen in one way or another for most of my day. Now with Wild Together I’m using more social media than I have done in years and it’s so easy to let it control me. So easy to let it pervade every corner of life. So easy to sit in front of the telly and check how many people are reading my work or looking at videos of Willow (the latter is more popular by some distance).
The other, more intractable, more emotionally difficult problem is not allowing a 13-year-old the technology that all his friends are using. The guilt we feel and the arguments it causes feel almost too much at times. We haven’t gone full digital demons, WhatsApp and YouTube are allowed (although we have time limits on this). It is tempting to throw the towel in sometimes, but we can’t.
The Evidence
I don’t want to get too academic, but here are a few things I try to keep in mind when it gets tough, they are partly how we made this decision.
The evidence we do have points in one direction. Across all countries and platforms, heavy social media use in children is associated with worse mental health, poorer attention, more anxiety, and more social comparison. The argument now is not whether it has an effect, but how strong it is and who is most vulnerable.
The people who built this world don’t trust it with their own children. Senior figures in tech and social media routinely delay or severely restrict smartphones and platforms for their kids. They understand the incentives, the mechanics, and the algorithms better than anyone, and they say no.
China doesn’t allow the western version of TikTok for its children. They run a heavily restricted, educational, time-limited version at home, while exporting the unrestricted, attention-maximising version abroad.
The biggest risks to children have moved online. Exploitation, grooming, coercion, and exposure no longer depend on physical proximity. They happen through private messages, disappearing content, group chats. These platforms are designed to reduce friction and accountability.
We already know how this ends, because we’re living it. As adults, many of us feel distracted, anxious, compulsive, and exhausted by the internet and social media. We talk openly about needing to ‘cut back’ or ‘get off our phones’. It seems reckless to assume children will somehow be immune to the same forces.
I want to be completely clear, my aim here is not to judge, or make anyone feel judged. Parenting is hard enough without other people making you feel like you’re doing a bad job. There is no manual, no instruction book. I remember looking at grown-ups when I was a kid, they seemed to know what they were doing, had all the rules sorted out. It turns out they were lying, just making it up as they went along, and they never told us! Now we find ourselves in a world infinitely more complicated with dangers that couldn’t have been conceived of even 10 years ago.
Some Things That Help
Social media is the part that worries me most, but also the hardest to deal with, we need to start somewhere, we need to do something collectively, it’s almost impossible in isolation.
My suspicion is that most parents feel this way, but starting is the hardest thing – no parent wants their child to be the only one left out. I don’t, this is not fun at all, but if I am right, and this is bothering everyone else, then there are some things that can be done now that might cause problems to start with but will be of real benefit to you and your children.
No phones or tablets in rooms overnight.
Sleep and unsupervised scrolling don’t mix – if there’s one thing to do, it’s this.No devices at meals
Eating together and talking is one of life’s real pleasures (most of the time). Protecting it matters more than we realise.No devices while you’re watching TV
One screen is plenty. Netflix have started explaining the plot through dialogue multiple times in films now because no one is paying attention.
Get outside together
Go for a walk, bike or take a football outside, it generally takes a little coaxing and cajoling, but once they’re out then they love the outside world
Get them outside - without you
Unsupervised play is the ultimate ‘hack’ for not only development, but turning them into well rounded, decent human beings who can resolve conflicts on their own and be empathetic and creative.
Do I live by these rules? Um…. Sometimes. I try, it doesn’t always work, and it’s not about perfection, it’s never going to work all the time, but it is about consistency and applying the rules to everyone I can think of a million reasons why this applies to them, not me, but ultimately they’re going to watch what we do and if we’re all following the rules, together, that’s family and that’s how we succeed.